Hi, DuWayne Pickens, off-roader extraordinaire, here. ATV Rider's Brian Purtymun has asked me to reveal some secrets of getting trails closed. There are a lot of y'all out there not getting the message about things like treading lightly, wearing protective gear and being courteous and whatnot. So without further ado, follow along as I show you how jackasses like me are mortgaging the trails of tomorrow by engaging in reckless behavior today.
Drive Aggressively
Getting trails closed begins before you even get to a trail. When hauling your ATVs to a riding area, drive aggressively. Take me and my El Camino, for instance. When I'm headin' to the trail, I pass people on the right, cut them off, whatever. Pretend you're in one of them energy drink commercials, if that helps. This coincides with the "wild, extreme" image that off-roaders have, so really reinforce this to the public. Especially old people, because they vote like crazy on every issue on the ballot. Whenever they think of ATVs, we want them to remember what a jerk you were, cutting them off.
Once you pull off the pavement and start down a dirt road to the trails, now's a good time to fishtail your truck and imitate the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard. Spray gravel everywhere and kick up a dust cloud a mile high, even if people live on that dirt road. It looks cool, and the folks who live there are used to it anyway. They don't mind.
Helmets Are Optional
Let's face it: Helmets are for wusses. I mean, the whole point of doing tricks is so people can see your face so they know who just impressed them. Wearing a helmet covers your face, which means someone else might get the glory for your stunt. And it's all about impressing the babes with my Gene Simmons moves. While we're at it, let's just go ahead and declare that all protective gear is optional. I don't know about you, but cumbersome boots and gloves prevent me from properly feeling my ATV, giving me less control. Just wear flip-flops and you'll be fine. If you crash, you'll probably be thrown away from the wreckage, and tossed harmlessly onto a pile of pine straw. So quit worryin' so much.
Jammin' Out
Now that you've arrived at the riding area in record time, the first thing you need to do is crank up the stereo. It takes a while to get unloaded and properly "hydrated" (wink, wink) before you can hit the trail, so why not rock out to your favorite tunes? It doesn't matter if the volume is high or the lyrics contain cussin'-it's all about you at this point, so rock on and show us your air-guitar prowess. Personally, I recommend blastin' some Whitesnake, Journey or REO Speedwagon.
The Louder, the Better
You got your ATV unloaded-it's time to ride! Start your ATV and let 'er rip! Rev the engine repeatedly for about 10 minutes-it sounds cool. Everyone else in the area will agree, even if it looks like they're sittin' around yakkin' or stuffin' their faces. But are you sure you're getting all the power that you can out of your ATV? I hope you're not still running the stock muffler! Be sure to remove the spark arrestor or any type of insert in the muffler or, better yet, saw the whole muffler off completely. I don't know why people spend all that money on an aftermarket exhaust when none of them have ever come close to matching the sound quality or performance gain that you get by simply cutting it off your baby.
Take It for a Spin
You want to make sure everything is functioning properly on your quad before you hit the trail, so do a few laps around the parking lot. Rev the engine of your newly straight-piped beast over and over to make sure things sound A-OK. Check the steering and suspension by spinning doughnuts. If there's a big loading ramp that people back their trucks up to, try to see if you can jump it. If someone (or their vehicle) gets sprayed with dirt and gravel in the process, then so be it. After all, this is public land, and people can't tell you what you can and can't do. Now's the time to practice wheelies and get the quad leaned over on two wheels, because it's all about being seen, and the parking lot is the best place to do that. Sure, some people may scowl at you, but they're really just jealous.