Leave Trash Everywhere
All right, after a period of creating new mud holes and ruts, you're probably going to get pretty thirsty, so it's cool to dip into the cooler and throw back some cold ones. A few beers loosens me up and just makes those same old boring trails more challenging. Don't worry about hauling out your cans and potato chip bags. You paid the usage fee, so drop them wherever you feel like. Picking up trash is what forest rangers and trail clubs get paid very handsome sums to do. If you're feeling really courteous, you can just slide your cans onto the end of tree branches for visibility, but don't go out of your way or anything. Just toss your cigarette butts wherever, too. People claim massive forest fires have been started by a single cigarette butt, but everybody's so down on tobacco nowadays that I think that's just something those limp-wristed tree-huggers at the Sierra Club made up.
Ride Double
The whole point of riding is to show off while having that rip-roaring good time. So if you have a babe you want to bring along, then stick 'er on back, right behind you. Then what you wanna do is try to scare her at every available opportunity. She may complain the whole time, but look on the bright side, she's clingin' to you pretty tight, ain't she? That's my point! It doesn't matter if she never sets foot on an ATV again and is "emotionally scarred for life" and changes her phone number-there'll be other girls. Besides, somebody's got to hold your beer while you ride, right?
Blaze New Trails
OK, the thing you need to know about established trails is that despite what "No Trespassing" or "Tread Lightly" signs may say, they're really just a suggestion. Your all-terrain vehicle is designed to go places that other vehicles can't go. That means it's totally fine to blaze new trails and have an off-road free-for-all. So strap that cooler to the back and head out in any direction you please.
Harass Wildlife
See those deer way over there? So beautiful. So majestic. So...fun to chase! You're at the top of the food chain. Assert your dominance as the alpha predator that you are by chasing animals every which way you can. I tell ya, it's a hoot to see which species of the animal kingdom is speedy enough to outrun a big-bore ATV. Now who's king of the mountain?
Ignore Forest Rangers
Sooner or later, you're probably going to run into one of these government know-it-alls, trying to act all high and mighty and telling you what to do. Watching Yogi Bear cartoons as a kid taught me that the Ranger Smiths of the world are always meddling in our affairs, so there's no pleasing them. Just remember that your taxes pay their salary, so don't be afraid to tell them that. It really puts them in their place. Besides, if it wasn't for pickin' up all your trash and cleaning up trail "damage" (that's regular wear and tear if you ask me), they'd just be sitting in their truck reading fishing magazines, anyway. Trails are the perfect place to tell someone to "Take a hike!"
Well, I hope you've learned something today about riding like a jerk, and I hope you follow some of my rules. After all, the more trails that get closed down, the more riding areas I have to myself, because I've never let a "Trail Closed" sign keep me from riding somewhere. Worst-case scenario, I'll always be able to ride on Grandpa's farmland, so what do I care if the public has nowhere to ride? Until next time, this is DuWayne Pickens for ATV Rider saying: "Helmet laws suck!"